1
00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:06,271
[Jackie]
I am warning you.
2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,674
Mom, if you don't stop
treating me like a child,
3
00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,876
I am packed up
and out of your place
by tonight.
4
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:13,278
That's the coffee
talking, Jackie.
5
00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:16,915
Hold on a second.
What's that?
Okay, i'll tell her.
6
00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:18,684
The coffee says
you're a meddling old bat
7
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:21,687
Who's sapping
my will to live.
8
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,323
Well, i'm sorry if I
care about you, Jackie,
9
00:00:24,391 --> 00:00:26,191
But I watch you
every day.
10
00:00:26,259 --> 00:00:29,962
I'm just concerned
about this reckless
lifestyle of yours.
11
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,064
Reckless lifestyle?
12
00:00:32,132 --> 00:00:36,568
I am living with my mother
in a retirement community!
13
00:00:36,636 --> 00:00:40,606
Now I see why
you have so much
trouble with people.
14
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,142
Not people, mom!
15
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,843
You!
16
00:00:44,911 --> 00:00:47,513
I know you think
you have a terrible mother,
17
00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:49,281
But you should
thank your lucky stars.
18
00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:52,084
There are women out there
who have to go
to psychiatrists
19
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:54,186
Because their mothers
were so horrible.
20
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:57,089
Surprise, mom!
Twice a week.
21
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:02,428
Oh. Well.
22
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,163
And I suppose
you lie there
23
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:07,066
And talk about
what a bad mother I am.
24
00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:09,601
I just hope
I don't run into
this doctor someday.
25
00:01:09,669 --> 00:01:11,870
God knows what
he'll think of me.
26
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:14,540
First of all, mom,
my therapist is a woman.
27
00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:16,442
Oh, how modern.
28
00:01:16,509 --> 00:01:19,578
And I suppose
this woman teaches you
29
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:21,714
How to blame
everything on me.
30
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:24,083
No, I already know
how to blame
everything on you.
31
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:27,252
She just
tells me i'm right.
32
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,921
Oh, really?
33
00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:31,056
Well, fine.
If that's the way
you want it,
34
00:01:31,124 --> 00:01:32,758
As of now,
you have no mother.
35
00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:37,096
Nope! Nope! No!
36
00:01:37,163 --> 00:01:38,297
These sick,
sadistic games
37
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,933
Aren't gonna
work on me anymore, mom.
38
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:42,701
You no longer have
any control over me.
39
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:46,205
Got it? I do not
allow it in my life!
40
00:02:02,288 --> 00:02:04,723
What, what is it now?
41
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:08,427
I'm sorry, Jackie.
You're right.
42
00:02:08,495 --> 00:02:11,230
I don't know why I say
the things I say.
43
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:13,165
There must be
something wrong with me.
44
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:14,333
Mom--
45
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:16,502
No, it's true, Jackie.
46
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:19,538
I'm just reaching
a point in my life
47
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,374
Where I have to
admit a few things.
48
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:25,778
I drove
your father away.
49
00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:30,616
And now it seems
you and Roseanne
don't want me around.
50
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:34,853
Maybe I deserve to spend
the rest of my life alone.
51
00:02:34,921 --> 00:02:37,456
Mom, it's not
all your fault.
52
00:02:37,524 --> 00:02:41,293
It's just that my problem
is I blame my mistakes
on other people.
53
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:44,530
It's just--
it's not you, mom.
54
00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:47,132
It's me. It's me.
It's all me.
55
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,302
I'm just no good.
56
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:53,238
You know, Jackie,
I think I was wrong.
57
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:56,775
This therapy is
working out very well.
58
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,623
[laughing]
59
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:51,830
They paved the whole
sidewalk there,
60
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,065
And they built the porch,
61
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:55,834
But the doorbell here,
that's my idea.
62
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:58,937
'cause that's only,
like, $1.50 at the store,
63
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:01,940
But it adds $3 value
to the house.
64
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,842
Roseanne, roger's got
a live one in the back.
65
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,679
Hey, Deej, why don't
you ride your bike
past the bedroom window?
66
00:04:06,746 --> 00:04:08,247
It'll make
the neighborhood look quaint.
67
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:10,616
Yeah, but watch out
for all those crackheads
on the corner.
68
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,385
Oh, really nice built-ins.
69
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:15,854
Man, i've been
after you for 15 years
70
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,456
To build me
shelves like this.
71
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:18,657
They were
supposed to go
72
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,325
Next to my
entertainment center.
73
00:04:20,393 --> 00:04:22,227
What entertainment center?
74
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:25,130
That entertainment center.
75
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:29,001
God, Dan, it's like you're
cheating on our house.
76
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,670
Dan, he really
loves what you did
to the kitchen.
77
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:35,074
All those big cabinets,
the tiled countertops,
spice rack.
78
00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:36,942
Spice rack?
79
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:39,178
You bastard.
80
00:04:39,245 --> 00:04:40,646
It was only
a little one, honey.
81
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:44,049
I'm going in here,
and I had better not find
82
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,486
Any ironing board
coming out of any wall.
83
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:49,855
[thump]
84
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,324
Dan!
85
00:04:52,392 --> 00:04:55,194
Come with me.
Tell her you did it.
86
00:04:55,261 --> 00:04:57,162
The place really does
look great, Roger.
87
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,765
Thank you.
Would you like
the grand tour?
88
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,301
I could show you
around the house.
89
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,770
You could show me
around Lanford.
90
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:07,906
Starting with dinner
on Friday night.
91
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:11,343
Wait a minute.
Aren't you dating Nancy?
92
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:14,913
My business partner Nancy?
My friend Nancy?
93
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,916
All three of them, yes.
94
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,953
But ours is a completely
casual relationship.
95
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:23,255
I can date other women.
96
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,191
She can date other women.
97
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,195
You know, Roger, Nancy
is a casual type of person,
98
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:33,799
But i'm a real uptight,
do-it-by-the-rules
kind of gal,
99
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,901
And one of the rules
is never date
100
00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:38,937
Your lesbian
friend's boyfriend.
101
00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:41,273
Roseanne, you're making
too big a deal out of this.
102
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,209
You even painted
the names on, Dan.
103
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,579
The pepper place,
the oregano place,
the salt place.
104
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:48,947
I promise
you'll get one.
105
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:52,317
When, Dan?
When will I get
my pepper place?
106
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:54,953
I swear, Dan said
he was gonna build
you one, Roseanne.
107
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,790
Shut up!
108
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:01,260
Excuse me. Roger.
I've seen everything.
Can we talk for a minute?
109
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,695
Absolutely.
110
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,363
Excuse us, everyone.
111
00:06:04,431 --> 00:06:06,665
Sure. Hey. Hi.
112
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,667
Hi.
113
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:11,937
Man, we're cutting it
pretty close.
114
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,706
There's only
five days before
the mortgage is due.
115
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,040
Oh, well,
don't worry about it
116
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,576
Because Roger can
sell anything to anybody.
117
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:20,045
Look what he sold Nancy.
118
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:23,982
Look, chaps,
I think we should
stay here a while
119
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,285
In case some other
people come by.
120
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,721
Oh, sure.
121
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,289
He didn't like
the backyard,
did he?
122
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,724
No, he liked the backyard.
123
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,225
Then what?
The house is too small?
124
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,027
No, he liked the house.
125
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,696
We should stay here
so we can tell
the other people
126
00:06:37,764 --> 00:06:42,301
The house
is already sold.
127
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:45,037
Roger, i'm gonna kiss you!
128
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,405
No, Dan,
you're not.
129
00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:47,906
[Roseanne]
ah, kiss me.
130
00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:50,809
Congratulations, you guys!
131
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,778
Hey, yeah, well,
what about me, you know?
132
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,046
I'm the one
that forced Dan
133
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,447
to get involved
in the first place.
134
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:56,648
Yes, you did, honey.
135
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:59,451
Men, let's hear it
for being whipped.
136
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:01,353
You did great
work here, guys.
137
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,721
Thank you, my friend.
138
00:07:02,789 --> 00:07:06,158
This is it.
This is my future.
139
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,726
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
140
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,495
I'm building you
a spice rack, baby.
141
00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:12,264
Oh, now that we're rich,
I don't want one of
your crummy jobs.
142
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:15,134
I want
a store-bought one.
143
00:07:15,201 --> 00:07:16,902
Gold digger.
144
00:07:21,841 --> 00:07:25,344
Whoa. Look at her go,
spending all that new money.
145
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:27,813
Ha ha! Don't try
to stop me,
146
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:31,784
Because i'm headed
over here for
the $4 table.
147
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,322
Do you have this
in a husky?
148
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,867
Why? I think it
fits you real good.
149
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,736
Really?
Really.
150
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,606
[mouthing]
thank you.
151
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:02,881
Sorry i'm late.
Mom couldn't let me go.
152
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:05,017
I still had an ounce
of self-esteem left.
153
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,385
Oh, Jackie,
it's your own fault
154
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:09,021
For telling her
about your shrink
in the first place.
155
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,357
I was cornered.
I had to hurt her.
156
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,192
Move out, Jackie.
157
00:08:13,259 --> 00:08:15,227
I know you're afraid
to get out there and mix,
158
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:19,965
But, you know, the world is
a lot less scarier than mom.
159
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,434
Jackie, Roseanne,
what do you think?
160
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,970
I think it could be
a little snug.
161
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,306
It's not for me,
it's for my baby.
162
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:30,175
Oh, Nancy,
are you dressing up
that cat again?
163
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:33,145
No. I think i'm going
to be pregnant.
164
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:34,980
What do you mean
by "gonna be"?
165
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,182
Well, it means I really want
to have a baby,
166
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,517
And Roger's
gonna be the father.
167
00:08:38,585 --> 00:08:41,620
Whoa. Roger wants
to have a baby?
168
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:44,356
I don't know.
I haven't asked him.
I don't really care.
169
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,691
As soon as
I get pregnant,
170
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,092
I'm gonna end
the relationship.
171
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:51,163
You're not even
taking his feelings
into consideration.
172
00:08:51,231 --> 00:08:54,400
You're treating him
like he's some
sperm dispenser.
173
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,602
That's not true.
174
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,837
Roger's a very
special person...
175
00:08:58,905 --> 00:09:01,073
And he has great teeth.
176
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,444
[scoffs]
177
00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:07,246
I can't even believe
she's doing that.
178
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,281
I mean, what is she
gonna tell the kid
179
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:11,684
When it comes out
with a british accent?
180
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:14,520
Nancy as a mom.
Too weird.
181
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,822
Oh, yeah. I just can't wait
to see that baby
182
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,391
In the little stretch pants
and high heels.
183
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,393
Well, maybe we're not
being fair to Nancy.
184
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,494
People change.
185
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,163
Maybe having a baby
is a sign
186
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:26,632
She's becoming less
self-involved.
187
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,967
Guys, look at
this stroller.
188
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,035
What do you think?
189
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,604
You think it
makes me look fat?
190
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,086
Come on, Darlene.
We're all alone.
191
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,587
No one will be
home for hours.
192
00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:50,255
No, we shouldn't
do this here.
193
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,091
It's okay.
No.
194
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:56,295
My parents have probably
done it on this couch.
195
00:10:01,701 --> 00:10:02,835
Let's go.
196
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,171
Where you going?
197
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:07,773
I thought you're
not allowed upstairs
198
00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,375
When there's no one here.
199
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,143
That's right, D.J.
200
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,212
And i'm not allowed
in your bedroom at night
201
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,481
Holding a pillow
over your face.
202
00:10:15,548 --> 00:10:17,449
But i'll be there.
203
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:18,851
I'm not scared of you.
204
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,589
There's groceries
out in the car.
205
00:10:23,656 --> 00:10:25,257
Go get 'em.
206
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:32,698
I wish I had someone
to boss around like that.
207
00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:36,168
Oh, wait, I do.
Go help him.
208
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,640
D.J., where'd you get
those jelly beans?
209
00:10:41,708 --> 00:10:43,842
From the bin
at the store.
210
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:46,078
D.J., I told you.
211
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,514
You've gotta finish eating them
while you're in the store
212
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,983
Or else it's stealing.
213
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,621
I'm sorry.
214
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,389
Well, you put those
back in your pocket.
215
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:58,891
When we go shopping
again next week,
216
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,593
You put 'em back
in the bin.
217
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:05,164
Hey.
218
00:11:05,231 --> 00:11:08,600
Hey, what's the good word?
219
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,569
The buyer backed out.
220
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:14,073
Uh, maybe you didn't
hear the question.
221
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,507
He didn't even
give a reason.
222
00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:16,608
He just changed
his mind.
223
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,177
Now I gotta figure out
how the hell
224
00:11:18,244 --> 00:11:19,945
I'm gonna pay the bills
for all the supplies.
225
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,214
Well, so?
You just go to Roger
226
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:24,550
And get him to front you
the money until the house sells.
227
00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:25,751
I can't do that.
228
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,086
He's an important
business contact.
229
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:29,288
I don't wanna look
like some bum asking
for a handout.
230
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:32,491
Well then, wear a tie.
231
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,626
I'm not gonna do it.
232
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,963
I'll go to the lumber yard
and ask for 30 more days
on my credit.
233
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,232
The house
is bound to sell by then.
234
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,401
And what if you can't
get the extension?
235
00:11:42,469 --> 00:11:44,269
Well then, i'll finally
have the time
236
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,705
To build you those shelves
you've been wanting.
237
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,340
Of course, they'll be
free-standing shelves
238
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,743
In the middle of the field
we'll be living in.
239
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,048
That's the last time
i'm bringing groceries
into this house.
240
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,717
Hmmph.
You got that right.
241
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:11,764
Man, I can't believe
that lumber yard
242
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,599
Wouldn't give you
an extension.
243
00:12:15,669 --> 00:12:17,569
I never thought
i'd say this.
244
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:19,972
I'm too depressed to drink.
245
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:25,144
You know,
i'm really sorry I got
you into this, Dan.
246
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:28,380
You can't blame yourself.
247
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:32,151
Listen, life's worth nothing
if you don't take risks.
248
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:35,587
Of course, we took the risks,
and we're still worth nothing.
249
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,891
You know, anne-marie and I
haven't worked in 10 months.
250
00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:40,025
If this thing
doesn't sell,
251
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,493
I don't know how
we're gonna live.
252
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,662
Hey, I owe a ton of money
to a lumber yard.
253
00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,064
I don't know if
i'm gonna live.
254
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:48,233
I'm in way more trouble
than you are.
255
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,736
At least Roseanne
has a business.
256
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,439
I wish I had a wife
who would carry me.
257
00:12:55,975 --> 00:12:57,276
Roseanne doesn't carry me.
258
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,578
Oh, come on, Dan.
259
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,647
It's not a big deal.
260
00:13:01,715 --> 00:13:03,582
Yeah, it is.
261
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,018
You're saying
I can't support myself.
262
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,187
I didn't say "can't."
263
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:10,856
I said "don't."
264
00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,025
Hey, Chuck, you know what?
265
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,928
Remember a while ago
when I said you shouldn't
blame yourself for all this?
266
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:18,897
I was wrong. You go ahead
and blame yourself all you want!
267
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,533
Hey, look,
it's not my fault
that you're so stupid
268
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:22,835
You jump into
a business deal
269
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:24,703
And don't have the money
to back it up.
270
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:28,607
Hey, nobody calls me
stupid in this house
that doesn't live here!
271
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,275
Well, fine!
272
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,312
I'll go outside
and yell it
through the window!
273
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:34,680
Here's a hint:
274
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:37,149
The window's
the square thing with
the glass in it.
275
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,550
Oh! Oh, you're
trying to say
276
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,319
I don't know anything
about construction?
277
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:44,223
No! Everybody
puts a fuse box
in the shower!
278
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,825
I thought it was a closet.
279
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:49,595
The way you build 'em,
it's hard to tell
the difference.
280
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:53,032
Hey! We're not done yet.
281
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:56,068
[low voice]
hey, that's
my shoulder, man.
282
00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:58,604
You sure
it's not a closet?
283
00:13:58,672 --> 00:14:00,806
Look, i'm warning you.
Don't touch me, Conner.
284
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:01,974
Who's gonna stop me?
285
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,108
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
286
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,376
Hey, you're gonna
break my house.
287
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,644
What's the hell's
going on?
288
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,012
We didn't get
the extension.
289
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,448
Thanks to this
jerk here,
we're out 5 grand!
290
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,450
Well, gee, Dan,
this is an emergency.
291
00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,552
You might have to go out
and get a job.
292
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,422
Whoa!
You, in the house.
293
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,525
You go home and tell
your mom you can't
play here no more.
294
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,795
What are you doing
fighting with your best friend
295
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,029
Over some business deal?
296
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,731
And why didn't you get
that extension?
297
00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:28,801
Oh, you're the one that told
me we should get into this
in the first place.
298
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,102
No, no, no, no, no!
299
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,805
What I told you is that
you should not use me
300
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,642
As an excuse
not to do it, okay?
301
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:39,278
Besides, in my version
we become zillionaires
302
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:43,082
And everyone we hate
is crushed under
our immense wealth.
303
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,149
[knock on door]
304
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,885
If all is running
true to form,
305
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,355
That should be
the angel of death.
306
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:54,326
[chuckles]
close.
307
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,662
Danny, I have
wonderful news.
308
00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,264
Thank god!
You sold the house!
Nope. Better than that.
309
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,001
You know that big
old victorian on
Pine and Central?
310
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,036
My contractor
dropped out.
311
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:07,072
Absolute wimp.
No vision.
312
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,141
So i'm offering you
first shot at this.
313
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,777
All we need is an extra
5,000 to meet our nut.
314
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:14,279
Sorry, Roger.
Dan's out of nuts.
315
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,849
Roseanne,
this is a sure thing.
316
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,818
We can make twice
as much as we're making
on the other place.
317
00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:23,088
Well, let's see,
two times zero is...
318
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,089
Not enough.
319
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,558
We gotta make at least
four times zero.
320
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:30,462
Listen, rog, the bill
for the lumber yard's
due any minute.
321
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:34,233
I was gonna ask you
to float me a loan
until the house sells.
322
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,802
Dan. Daniel.
323
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,570
Danny.
324
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,973
You're a great talker.
You can get more credit.
325
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,341
It's just paper.
326
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,209
Rog. Roger.
327
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,111
Roggie!
328
00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,813
It's just food on the table.
329
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:49,481
I mean, come on,
we're not even sure
330
00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,883
The first place
is gonna sell.
331
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,352
What are you saying?
I don't know how
to sell the place?
332
00:15:53,420 --> 00:15:54,987
I can sell anything.
333
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:57,523
I've even sold hovels
worse than this one.
334
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,224
Whoa. Dan, uh...
335
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:03,128
Robin leach here
is beginning
to lose his charm.
336
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:06,365
I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.
337
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:09,902
I can be such a beast.
338
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,005
I just don't want to
lose you as partners.
339
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,606
What can I do
to help you?
340
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,309
You can buy me out.
341
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:18,711
You can't
pull out now, Dan.
342
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:21,080
Not after you put in
all that hard work.
343
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:23,982
There must be some
way you can put
these people off.
344
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:25,351
Just don't answer
the phone.
345
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,820
Oh, yeah, right.
Or when they come up
to the door,
346
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:29,154
We'll turn all
the lights off,
347
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:31,223
Or we won't
sign the check,
348
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,659
Or we'll leave
the envelope unsealed
349
00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:35,994
So they think the check
fell out of it.
350
00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:39,331
I'm sorry, roger,
but we're not
that kind of people.
351
00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:45,004
Well, fair enough.
352
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:47,006
I'll come by
tomorrow
353
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:49,174
With a cashier's check
for $5,000.
354
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,443
And i'll tell you what.
355
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,013
For the extra time
and sweat that you
put into the place,
356
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,415
I'll throw in
another 2,000.
357
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:59,318
I don't want to lose
our friendship over
this one deal.
358
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,857
All right, then.
359
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,358
See you tomorrow.
360
00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:09,962
You don't have to give us
the extra two grand, rog.
361
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,398
I'm way too proud
to take your money.
362
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,805
[knock on door]
363
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,441
[groans]
who the hell is that?
364
00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:26,979
Roseanne, roger left me!
365
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,981
I can't believe it.
How could he do this?
366
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,949
How could he be
so insensitive?
367
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:33,552
I didn't even
have a chance to ovulate.
368
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:34,553
I don't understand.
369
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:36,755
[quietly]
I don't want to.
370
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:39,091
It really felt like
we were right for each other.
371
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:43,362
Oh, I know.
You think you're using
the right guy.
372
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:46,865
And he left with
the $5,000 I gave him.
373
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,535
What? He left
the apartment...
374
00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,270
Or he left town?
375
00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:52,705
Both.
376
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:55,274
What happened
to the hugging?
377
00:17:55,342 --> 00:17:57,676
Nancy, are you sure
he's gone?
378
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,346
Yeah. I went by his place
and it's empty.
379
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,681
And I talked to his landlady,
and he left the key.
380
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,783
Oh, man!
This is unbelievable.
381
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,785
I'm gonna
kill him.
382
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:09,254
It's so sweet of you two
to be concerned,
383
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,757
But i'll be okay, really.
384
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:16,261
Nancy, we're not
talking about you!
385
00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:18,163
He conned us
out of five grand.
386
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,599
And now we gotta
unload that house.
387
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,335
I can't believe
he did this to you.
388
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,371
My friends!
389
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,239
I think you should
track him down.
390
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:30,275
And when you do,
you tell him
i'm really hurt...
391
00:18:30,343 --> 00:18:31,944
And that i'm just
stupid enough
392
00:18:32,012 --> 00:18:35,547
To have sex with him
one more time!
393
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,752
Oh, man, we're screwed.
394
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:43,589
No, Dan, we are so far
beyond screwed
395
00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:45,591
That the light
from screwed
396
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:50,062
Will take
one billion years
to reach the earth.
397
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,047
Dan, what are you
doing here so early?
398
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,682
Roseanne doesn't
come in till noon.
399
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:13,886
I know. I kinda needed
to talk to you alone, Bev.
400
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:18,791
Listen, Bev, I need to borrow
$5,000 until that house sells.
401
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:22,261
Now, you know i'd rather
do anything than
beg you for money,
402
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:24,063
But you're
the only person I know
403
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:27,733
That can't possibly think
any less of me.
404
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,136
Well, Dan,
this is uncomfortable.
405
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,238
I don't want to be
the one you turn to
406
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,674
Every time you have
a little financial crisis.
407
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:36,975
I don't blame you.
408
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,644
This reminds me
of the little story
409
00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:40,746
Of the grasshopper
and the ant.
410
00:19:40,814 --> 00:19:45,451
Oh, yeah. They walked
into the bar with
the rabbi and the priest?
411
00:19:47,587 --> 00:19:52,324
The grasshopper,
if I remember correctly,
played all summer
412
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:56,829
While the little ant
toiled and toiled saving food.
413
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,197
But when winter came,
414
00:19:58,264 --> 00:20:01,467
That silly grasshopper
would have starved to death,
415
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,670
But the kindly ant
took him in.
416
00:20:04,738 --> 00:20:07,072
The grasshopper
enjoyed today,
417
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,776
But never gave a thought to
the cold, cold winter to come.
418
00:20:10,844 --> 00:20:13,278
Do you understand
what i'm saying, Dan?
419
00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,214
Yes, Beverly.
420
00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:17,683
I am a grasshopper.
421
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:22,187
But someday, I hope
to be an ant like you.
422
00:20:23,957 --> 00:20:26,291
Thanks for
waking me up, mom!
423
00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,227
You said
you didn't want me to,
424
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:30,462
That I was treating you
like a child.
425
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:33,532
I know what you're
doing, mom.
426
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,402
You may not know what
you're doing, but I know
what you're doing.
427
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:40,172
You let me sleep in
so you can rag on me
for showing up late.
428
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,875
You know, Jackie,
I don't think you need
a psychiatrist.
429
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,878
I think what you need
is a good alarm clock.
430
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:48,781
No, mom! What I need
is to get away from you.
431
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,517
I'm an adult. It's time
I had a place of my own.
432
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,086
Dan, i'm gonna buy
that old house.
433
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,191
Are you sure about this?
434
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,260
I've never been so sure
about anything in my life.
435
00:21:01,327 --> 00:21:03,228
I'd like to move in
immediately.
436
00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,296
Let me get
this straight.
437
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:05,831
This is a deal, right?
438
00:21:05,899 --> 00:21:07,032
It's a deal.
439
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:10,602
Jackie, you have no idea
what those words mean to me.
440
00:21:12,405 --> 00:21:14,740
So, Beverly...
441
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:22,114
Where in the hell
do you get off
442
00:21:22,182 --> 00:21:24,350
Talking to me like
i'm some piece of dirt?
443
00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:28,687
You forgot the last chapter
in your little story.
444
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:32,624
The grasshopper
comes back with his
old buddy the anteater.
445
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:39,064
And after he's finished
sucking the little ant
up his long snout,
446
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:43,902
He spits her out 'cause
she's so old and bitter!
447
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,141
I wish you hadn't
done that, Dan.
448
00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:53,312
Who do you think i'm
gonna ask to borrow
the down payment from?
449
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:03,789
Listen, Bev?
450
00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:08,627
451
00:22:10,296 --> 00:22:13,966
Oh, man, we are screwed.
452
00:22:14,034 --> 00:22:15,000
Oh...
453
00:22:16,569 --> 00:22:19,538
We should have known
something like this
was gonna happen.
454
00:22:19,606 --> 00:22:22,741
Yeah, after all,
we're involved.
455
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:25,144
You know where
we made our mistake?
456
00:22:25,211 --> 00:22:28,280
We should never have
throwed out that chain letter.
457
00:22:30,150 --> 00:22:33,752
[southern accent] if we'd
only sent a hundred dollars
to five total strangers,
458
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:35,988
We could have
made us a fortune.
459
00:22:38,425 --> 00:22:40,826
[southern accent]
no, well, i'm thinki''
about that bridge
460
00:22:40,894 --> 00:22:44,430
We could have bought
over there in
New York City.
461
00:22:44,497 --> 00:22:48,667
Oh, she was a dandy
big bridge, all right.
462
00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:53,972
You know, Dan, I think
if we move fast,
463
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:57,376
We can get right in
on that pyramid scheme
sweeping Lanford.
464
00:22:57,444 --> 00:23:00,546
We could own our very
own damn pyramid.
465
00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:05,417
You mean like the ones
up to Egypt, Africa?
466
00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:07,686
Hot diggity dog!